my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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