This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
my liver is dry heaving
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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