I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
