I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
