My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
