Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
