My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
