Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
