I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
