Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
