im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
What did we do last night that was yellow?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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