A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
