I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
