I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My bed smells like the plague
Congratulations! We have a period
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