I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
