No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
