In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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