just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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