Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
