Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
