I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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