Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
