babies were throwing up all over the place
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
