my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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