I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
