I showed him my bush... on skype.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
