Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
