I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
