I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
