with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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