He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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