I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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