Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
