yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
