Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
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