You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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