Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
