just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
