dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
