My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
