i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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