I puked a lego.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
