She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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