Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
