i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
