She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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