Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
