I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
