I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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