i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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